Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months- Oscar WildeWhere:
Saks Fifth Avenue 850 SW 5th Avenue
Highlights: You can pretend to be Judy Garland from A Star is Born
Problems: Not worth pretending to buy socks for
Nordstrom 701 SW Broadway
Highlights: Directly across from Pioneer Courthouse square
Classy lounge
Problems: The toilets might only speak Svenska
When pontificating on the ideal husband, countless women of my acquaintance have described their lust for Oscar Wilde. What is it about the gay, not terribly handsome and frankly, suicide inducingly cynical, dead guy that embodies for the female sex such tantalizing sexuality? As the writer of the surprisingly raunchy "Julie and Julia" points out, the written word has a uniquely potent sensual power.
One of my male classmates, describing his interest in his creative writing teacher, said, "Women who like Jane Austen are so sexy!" Is it possible that men respond as strongly to a well formed sentence as women do?
Jane Austen, writing at the end of the Romantic period, and Wilde- embodying the self reflecting witticisms which revealed, at a time when psychology was just becoming en vogue, the monster within everyone, particularly the beautiful- represent the sentiments of Victorian literature. By Victorian I mean the same period known for repressed sexual neurosis and corset induced fits of hysteria. Austen never married, Wilde rotted away for romancing a manipulative playboy and both spoke of love (never of sex or sensuality) as something growing out of gratitude and kindness rather than romance. Given their relative literary chastity in a West which thrives off of blunt and visual stimuli, what exactly makes their writing so, well... sexy?
My friend Kate understood completely. Kate is going to school to be a counselor and works with sex addicts. She's my personal relationship expert, the one I would call if I needed some authority in a trial or to research some non fiction piece on dating for the new millennium. When I brought up Pride and Prejudice she burst out with, "It's the tension between Darcy and Elizabeth." If you've seen the smoldering passion behind Colin Firth's troubled brown eyes you'll totally get what she means. So something must happen in the process of denial and anticipation that makes chaste, cool objects turn hot.
So what other seemingly sexless objects do the public desire? Many people find food strangely alluring, hence the lewd obsessions of both Julia Child and her mimicker Julie Powell, who found things like parts of a cow or a well cooked egg oddly erotic. Men supposedly respond well to the smell of popcorn and women to chocolate. A well placed tie, a face veil, vampires, and women dressed as men have all had their sensual appeal and fashion in general dictates the body type, the skin color, the height, and the facial expression necessary to finding a mate driving scores of wealthy Japanese girls to tanning booths for orange tans and bleached hair.
Given the influence of fashion on our desires I decided to explore the two most fashionable bathrooms in downtown Portland: Nordstrom and Saks Fifth Avenue. Saks Fifth announced recently the decision to close it's Portland store recognizing that Portland is both fashionably and economically bankrupt and thus more committed to vintage clothing. My only two experiences with Saks involve an obsessive purchase of the nicest umbrella I could find- a designer piece with a wooden handle that I never use- and a conversation with an French ex-celebrity ballet dancer who wanted to find me a job there because, since I'm clearly a fellow European, I'm too classy to work at Macy's. These two associations made me approach Saks with the same working class snobbery I approach the Republican party.
Review
I invented a convoluted reason for shopping there which came in handy since none of the store clerks seemed to have anything to do other than picking at their nails against a spotless counter or pretending to examine a handbag. I went to the hosiery section suffering from an attraction to socks resembling only my previous fascination with umbrellas and an ongoing very French love affair with unmentionables. I realized my mistake when a sales clerk showed me to the blandest, least convincing part of the store. I took one glance at rows of nude colored pantyhose and asked for directions to the restroom.
So here's the shocker: For all that effort the Sak's bathroom is decidedly unspectacular. It looks like the sad dressing room remnants of a faded starlet. The walls are painted in pink marble with large vanity table lights above a long mirror and pearl colored lounge chairs. Quite frankly, Macy's bathroom might have more class and less pretension.
Here's where I go from sounding like a self righteous anti consumerist to losing the positive opinions of socially conscientious readers by admitting my hypocrisy. I used to work at Nordstrom. What's more- I like it. There, I said it! Not just because, for me, the heartwarming story of a Swedish immigrant who labored for years in mining camps, eventually opening up a small family shoe business in the great Northwest invokes Portland's pioneer spirit or because the pep rally style staff meetings where we watched stylish videos of runway models that had absolutely nothing to do with my job gave me a sense of sexy pr
ide. No, I think primarily of Nordstrom as the best free public bathroom in downtown Portland.
Yes, after investigating Sak's rival facilities Nordstrom still holds that title. It's facilities impress for several reasons. 1) Although the clerks greet you if they catch you say, looking at the shoes, they aren't watching from every corner ready to physically escort you to the bathroom stall and wait for you to finish. 2) It's louge is lush and classy with huge grey armchairs and a washbasin. 3) One can't help but wonder at how far that foreign kid working in logging camps in California really came.
I need not comment on the toilets. They're generically clean- cleaner than the movie theatre but wealthy women also enjoy hovering. Just wipe the seat before you use the toilet and- a tip someone gave me- the first stall is normally the cleanest.
Grade:
Nordstrom B+
Saks B
Alas- I was unable to review the male bathrooms though certainly next time I'll bring the proper disguise so I can review both men's and women's. For now though- if anyone would like to review the men's bathroom for either store feel free. You can post your review on the Facebook discussion board or add your comments at the end of my blog.
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=296867263385
One of my male classmates, describing his interest in his creative writing teacher, said, "Women who like Jane Austen are so sexy!" Is it possible that men respond as strongly to a well formed sentence as women do?
Jane Austen, writing at the end of the Romantic period, and Wilde- embodying the self reflecting witticisms which revealed, at a time when psychology was just becoming en vogue, the monster within everyone, particularly the beautiful- represent the sentiments of Victorian literature. By Victorian I mean the same period known for repressed sexual neurosis and corset induced fits of hysteria. Austen never married, Wilde rotted away for romancing a manipulative playboy and both spoke of love (never of sex or sensuality) as something growing out of gratitude and kindness rather than romance. Given their relative literary chastity in a West which thrives off of blunt and visual stimuli, what exactly makes their writing so, well... sexy?
My friend Kate understood completely. Kate is going to school to be a counselor and works with sex addicts. She's my personal relationship expert, the one I would call if I needed some authority in a trial or to research some non fiction piece on dating for the new millennium. When I brought up Pride and Prejudice she burst out with, "It's the tension between Darcy and Elizabeth." If you've seen the smoldering passion behind Colin Firth's troubled brown eyes you'll totally get what she means. So something must happen in the process of denial and anticipation that makes chaste, cool objects turn hot.
So what other seemingly sexless objects do the public desire? Many people find food strangely alluring, hence the lewd obsessions of both Julia Child and her mimicker Julie Powell, who found things like parts of a cow or a well cooked egg oddly erotic. Men supposedly respond well to the smell of popcorn and women to chocolate. A well placed tie, a face veil, vampires, and women dressed as men have all had their sensual appeal and fashion in general dictates the body type, the skin color, the height, and the facial expression necessary to finding a mate driving scores of wealthy Japanese girls to tanning booths for orange tans and bleached hair.
Given the influence of fashion on our desires I decided to explore the two most fashionable bathrooms in downtown Portland: Nordstrom and Saks Fifth Avenue. Saks Fifth announced recently the decision to close it's Portland store recognizing that Portland is both fashionably and economically bankrupt and thus more committed to vintage clothing. My only two experiences with Saks involve an obsessive purchase of the nicest umbrella I could find- a designer piece with a wooden handle that I never use- and a conversation with an French ex-celebrity ballet dancer who wanted to find me a job there because, since I'm clearly a fellow European, I'm too classy to work at Macy's. These two associations made me approach Saks with the same working class snobbery I approach the Republican party.
Review
I invented a convoluted reason for shopping there which came in handy since none of the store clerks seemed to have anything to do other than picking at their nails against a spotless counter or pretending to examine a handbag. I went to the hosiery section suffering from an attraction to socks resembling only my previous fascination with umbrellas and an ongoing very French love affair with unmentionables. I realized my mistake when a sales clerk showed me to the blandest, least convincing part of the store. I took one glance at rows of nude colored pantyhose and asked for directions to the restroom.
So here's the shocker: For all that effort the Sak's bathroom is decidedly unspectacular. It looks like the sad dressing room remnants of a faded starlet. The walls are painted in pink marble with large vanity table lights above a long mirror and pearl colored lounge chairs. Quite frankly, Macy's bathroom might have more class and less pretension.
Here's where I go from sounding like a self righteous anti consumerist to losing the positive opinions of socially conscientious readers by admitting my hypocrisy. I used to work at Nordstrom. What's more- I like it. There, I said it! Not just because, for me, the heartwarming story of a Swedish immigrant who labored for years in mining camps, eventually opening up a small family shoe business in the great Northwest invokes Portland's pioneer spirit or because the pep rally style staff meetings where we watched stylish videos of runway models that had absolutely nothing to do with my job gave me a sense of sexy pr
ide. No, I think primarily of Nordstrom as the best free public bathroom in downtown Portland.Yes, after investigating Sak's rival facilities Nordstrom still holds that title. It's facilities impress for several reasons. 1) Although the clerks greet you if they catch you say, looking at the shoes, they aren't watching from every corner ready to physically escort you to the bathroom stall and wait for you to finish. 2) It's louge is lush and classy with huge grey armchairs and a washbasin. 3) One can't help but wonder at how far that foreign kid working in logging camps in California really came.
I need not comment on the toilets. They're generically clean- cleaner than the movie theatre but wealthy women also enjoy hovering. Just wipe the seat before you use the toilet and- a tip someone gave me- the first stall is normally the cleanest.
Grade:
Nordstrom B+
Saks B
Alas- I was unable to review the male bathrooms though certainly next time I'll bring the proper disguise so I can review both men's and women's. For now though- if anyone would like to review the men's bathroom for either store feel free. You can post your review on the Facebook discussion board or add your comments at the end of my blog.
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=296867263385
