Where: Regal Cinemas Broadway Metroplex
1000 SW Broadway, Portland
Highlights: Funky large, round Mirrors, yellow painted walls, and black onyx tiles
Problems: Hoverers
Where: Saint Honoré Boulangerie
2335 NW Thurman St, Portland
Highlights: French theme, long gothic passage
Problems: Bland, cliché
Every year Portland gathers in theatres across the city for the International Film Festival; a collection of movies from around the world that Americans might otherwise wait years to see. Though the festival typically does a good job including a diverse range of topics, I've noticed over the years that Americans prefer their movies to live up to preconceived notions of the featured country. From France comes movies with love affairs or classy psychological thrillers, African films deal with multiple wives, war, and immigrants, Japanese films often have a modern techno element, and Indians are always poor.
This year I watched a movie from India called "The Window (Janala)" about an idealistic young man who commissions a window for his old run down school. Outside of commenting to my friend on the aesthetically pleasing leading man, I spent most of the film reminiscing about Africa. Bimal's classroom lacked electricity and windows, so did my classrooms in Cameroon. The women wearing bright colored skirts, carrying baskets on their heads looked like Cameroonian women. The windowless bus and men peeing in a long row across a field while the women waited in the vehicle made me homesick for Africa.
After the film my friend and I filled out score cards. I gave it a 2 and wrote "boring, hot guy, underwear model?" My friend gave it a 5, "My favorite movie ever." His nationalist pride makes him want to win anything. A woman filling out the cards next to us discussed the film with her husband, "Did you like this movie as much as the other one? It was good to get to see India since I'll probably never go there." I ignored this comment to rush to the bathroom.
Women have long expounded in anecdotal blogs and humorous newspaper articles on the subject of the hoverer. The hoverer is the woman before you who, in order to avoid pressing her bottom to the toilet seat and unaware of the seat covers provided for that reason, squats over the toilet, peeing all over the edges. A certain type of person pees on the toilet seat. The same type of woman who goes to the International Film Festival and makes comments like, "I understand what it's like to travel to India because I saw the Window" or "I know all about Afghanistan because of the Kite Runner" and all about Muslims from NPR.
Speckles of pee decorated my toilet. I admired the yellow walls and large round mirrors where an older woman with blond hair adjusted her fur coat, wondering what she thought about the movie. When I came out of the bathroom my friend gave his true, nonpatriotic view of "the window." "Maybe India looked like that in the 60s but you don't see run down schools like that nowadays. That's why I hated Slumdog Millionaire, treating India as though it's nothing but poverty. And these types of movies they make because th
ey know it'll sell."Saturday, I went to a French cafe in Portland's hoity toity neighborhood, an area of Northwest where many of the wealthy people from the Heights descend to spend money in the many boutiques and upscale coffee shops. Members of Alliance Francaise meet at Saint Honore to practice their French and customers pay exorbitant amounts for almond filled croisants, rich pastries, and several ham filled options. Given the elegant atmosphere of the cafe I expected a luxurious French themed bathroom. Instead, the bathroom at Saint Honore resembles many other bathrooms scattered throughout Portland. The bathrooms are decorated with the same cheap copy of a painting of flowers and unoriginal grafiti. Only one thing distiguishes between the two; "Eat the Rich" written in small block letters on the mirror in the first bathroom.
I returned to my seat and my chai and watched an Indian man take delicate, deliberate pictures of his croisant. The man next to him read a book about drawing. As children, did we believe that America resembled what we saw in the movies? Did we think that beyond our tiny houses most of America had large kitchens full of constantly available food, well lit bathrooms, and perfect smiles. Did we believe the myth of a wealthy America? Do we look to the movies for our clues about the world rather than to the people around us? Do we believe that the true France can be found in a wealthy cafe with a cheap bathroom or a well made gateau chocolat? Over the next two weeks, watching the movies featured in the International and African film festival, I will explore these ideas which haunt me about art and truth in hopes of getting closer to my understanding and our collective vision of the truth.
Broadway Regal Cinemas
Score: For a Regal bathroom it has it's own individual charm and personality. If the theatre employees could keep the bathroom clean despite the artsy mob regularly defiling it I might even give this bathroom a better grade. The multiple large mirrors make it easy to do a quick beauty check up to make sure you haven't melted during the 2+ hours in the theatre. Unfortunately, you can only use this bathroom if you pay. I tried to sneak in because I hadn't taken proper photos and found the doors locked.
One thing I should note about hoverers: Always wipe the seat before you use the toilet to make sure that you don't sit in a pile of someone else's urine. I know one woman who brings a bottle of water to wash herself after using public bathrooms. When I discover puddles on a toilet I pay special attention after flushing to see if the toilet spits the pee out when it flushes or if someone had, in fact, hovered. If it does spit something out- I suggest doing a courtesy wipe for the next person. I also stand well clear of the toilet after I flush to make sure it doesn't get me with an strong splash.
Grade: C+
Saint Honoré Boulangerie
Score: The lack of attention payed to this bathroom suggests either A) that not many people use the bathroom or B) That customers of this café care very little about the quality of bathroom. While a bathroom might not need to be the first consideration when developing a new café, a well established place should take the time to invest in better facilities. When you pay for food you also pay for all the hidden costs going into the restaurant. With such exorbitant prices, this cafe can afford to spruce the place up at least with some French themed art work. Another unapetizing aspect of this bathroom were the bugs blending into the flower painting and creeping along the floors making me question the overall sanitation of the place.
On a positive note, due to the business of the place, you can easily sneak into the bathroom without buying something although you need to know where to grab the restroom key so you don't have to ask anyone. FYI: It's in a small basket at the front counter. Just grab it- no one will see you! You then go down a long hall curving round a large stone wall making you think that you've snuck into a gothic castle to retrieve lost and precious treasures. You pass by employees speaking in French adding to the sense that you are, in fact, a foreigner on an adventure in a foreign land only to turn the key in the door lock and enter a generic, very American bathroom. Oh horror! And there... the fantasy ends.
Grade: C-
Complaint: Vampires?
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