Toilet Haiku

Where: Backspace 115 NW 5th, Portland
Highlights: Reading Material, Convenient (open 7am-11/12!)
Problems: Unusable

Several people have told me their stories about the interesting dialogues scribbled on the walls of public bathrooms. Many people use these bathrooms to proclaim various personal musings or important social messages like, "You are beautiful" "Dumb hipsters" or "Penis." I've found that certain PSU bathrooms contain some of the most interesting comments including poetry and an essay on pretentious English majors.
The bathrooms at Backspace have wall to toilet to paper towl dispenser graffiti- most of it the typical variety like someone's tag name "Plack" (written at least 6 times), hometown (Winchester VA), or message of love (Jim loves Kate). I wonder about the emotions that Jim went through when he decided to profess his love on the bathroom wall. Did the sound of water hitting the toilet bowl remind him of that rainy day when Kate forgot to bring a rain coat and her hair fell in tangles about her face? Did the memory of that moment fill his heart so completely that, as if compelled, he took a pen from his pocket and sketched his undying love on the paint splattered wall for everyone to see, "Jim loves Kate!"
If I'd actually sat upon that toilet- which I didn't- the short quibbles might have inspired me to write a haiku. Back in front of my computer I try to combine lines to create some meaning: "Blonde death on the moons of Jupiter/ all the things that might has been" or "Dear Mike, I want to have breakfast every morning/trick sensor." Finally, I form some sense of a haiku. Originally, I thought the word was "split" and stared at it for several minutes trying to understand the depth of meaning "one great split"- like dissecting Shakespeare. Did someone have a really bad breakup? Then I tilted my head and the "pl" transformed.

See the world as one
truth is found in unlikely
places, one great shit

Score: I couldn't use this bathroom. I lived in Africa for two years and traveled to several countries with unattractive toilets, used gas station bathrooms, port-a-potties, and park bathrooms and I couldn't use this bathroom. Something about the drug induced artwork, the sign saying "Mice" with an arrow pointing to the right, the sticker depicting a large insect on the side of the toilet, made me uncomfortable connecting my bare bottom to a surface which several creatures may or may not have used before me. That and the hair all over the toilet seat. Than again, it wasn't that urgent. There are two bathrooms and the cafe is in a really convenient part of Portland and easy to use without paying anything. Plus the cafe is open fairly late.

An unrelated note on the food: Looking up the place online I saw the cafe serves only vegetarian cuisine. 'Great,' I thought, 'I'm vegetarian.' Not great. By vegetarian it actually means several options of fake meat- including fake ham which, quite frankly, baffles me as I believe- correct me if I'm wrong- that ham is the last thing any vegetarian would want to eat or even, as the case may be, pretend to eat. I ordered the nachos which tasted like fake beef and burnt cheese. Grade: D